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The following links are here to help you or a
loved one through the grieving process and to help answer other
questions.
The Grieving Process Helping
Yourself Heal Accepting a Loss
When Your Parent Dies
Children's Corner
When
we experience a major loss, grief is the normal and natural way our
mind and body react. Everyone grieves differently. And at the same
time there are common patterns people tend to share.
For
example, someone experiencing grief usually moves through a series
of emotional stages, such as shock, numbness, guilt, anger and
denial. And physical responses are typical also. They can include:
sleeplessness, inability to eat or concentrate, lack of energy, and
lack of interest in activities previously enjoyed.
Time
always plays an important role in the grieving process. As the days,
weeks and months go by, the person who is experiencing loss moves
through emotional and physical reactions that normally lead toward
acceptance, healing and getting on with life as fully as
possible.
Sometimes a person can become overwhelmed or bogged
down in the grieving process. Serious losses are never easy to deal
with, but someone who is having trouble beginning to actively
re-engage in life after a few months should consider getting
professional help. For example, if continual depression or physical
symptoms such as loss of appetite, inability to sleep, or chronic
lack of energy persists, it is probably time to see a
doctor.
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Allow Yourself to Mourn
Someone
you love has died. You are now faced with the difficult, but
important, need to mourn. Mourning is the open
expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death
and the person who has died. It is an essential part of
healing. You are beginning a journey that is often
frightening, painful, overwhelming and sometimes lonely. This
information provides practical suggestions to help you move
toward healing in your personal grief experience.
Realize Your Grief is Unique
Your
grief is unique. No one will grim in exactly the same way.
Your experience will be influenced by a variety of factors:
the relationship you had with the person who died; the
circumstances surrounding the death; your emotional support
system and your cultural and religious background.
As a
result of these factors, you will grieve in your own special
way. Don't try to compare your experience with that of other
people or to adopt assumptions about just how long your grief
should last. Consider taking a "one- day-at-a-time" approach
that allows you to grieve at your own pace.
Talk
About Your Grief
Express your grief openly. By sharing your grief
outside yourself, healing occurs. Ignoring your grief won't
make it go away; talking about it often makes you feet better.
Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head.
Doing so doesn't mean you are losing control, or going
"crazy". It is a normal part of your grief journey. Find
caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging.
Seek out those persons who will 'Walk with,"not in front of"
or "behind" you in your journey through grief. Avoid persons
who are critical or who try to steal your grief from you. They
may tell you, "keep your chin up" or "carry on" or "be happy."
While these comments may be well intended, you do not have to
accept them. You have a right to express your grief; no
one has the right to take it away.
Expect to Feel a Multitude of Emotions
Experiencing a loss affects your head, heart and
spirit. So you may experience a variety of emotions as
part of your grief work. Confusion, disorganization, fear,
guilt, relief or explosive emotions are just a few of the
emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow
each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur
simultaneously.
As strange as some of these emotions may
seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn
from these feelings. And don't be surprised if out of nowhere
you suddenly experience surges of grief, even at the most
unexpected times. These grief attacks can be frightening and
leave you feeling overwhelmed. They are, however, a natural
response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who
understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about
them.
Allow for Numbness
Feeling dazed or numb when someone loved dies is
often part of your early grief experience. This numbness
serves a valuable purpose: it gives your emotions time to
catch up with what your mind has told you. This feeling helps
create insulation from the reality of the death until you are
more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe.
Be Tolerant of Your Physical and
Emotional Limits
Your feelings of loss and
sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to
think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low
energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your
body and mind are telling you. Nurture yourself. Get daily
rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much
as possible. Caring for yourself doesn't mean feeling sorry
for yourself; it means you are using survival
skills.
Develop a Support
System
Reaching out to others and
accepting support is often difficult, particularly when you
hurt so much. But the most compassionate self-action you can
do at this difficult time is to find a support system of
caring friends and relatives who will provide the
understanding you need. Find those people who encourage you to
be yourself and acknowledge your feelings - both happy and
sad.
Make Use of Ritual
The
funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone
loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people.
Most importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your
grief outside yourself. If you eliminate this ritual, you
often set yourself up to repress your feelings and you cheat
everyone who cares for a chance to pay tribute to someone who
was, and always will be, loved.
Embrace Your
Spirituality
If faith is part of your life;
express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow
yourself to be around people who understand and support your
religious beliefs. If you are angry with God because of
the death of someone you loved, realize this feeling as a
normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who
won't be critical of whatever thoughts and feelings you need
to explore.
You may hear someone say, "With faith, you
don't need to grieve." Don't believe it. Having your personal
faith does not insulate you from needing to talk out and
explore your thoughts and feelings. To deny your grief is to
invite problems that build up inside you. Express your faith,
but express your grief as well.
Allow a Search for
Meaning
You may find yourself asking.
"Why did he die?" "Why this way?" "Why now?" This search
for meaning is another normal part of the healing
process. Some questions have answers. Some do
not. Actually, the healing occurs in the opportunity to
pose the questions, not necessarily in answering them.
Find a supportive friend who will listen responsively as you
search for meaning.
Treasure Your Memories
Memories are
one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved
dies. Treasure them. Share them with your family
and friends. Recognize that your memories may make you
laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of
the relationship that you had with a very special person in
your life.
Move Toward Your Grief and Heal
The
capacity to love require the necessity to grieve when someone
you love dies. You can't heal unless you openly express
your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become
more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and
heal.
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly.
Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient
and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death
of someone loved changes your life forever. It's not
that you won't be happy again. It's simply that you will
never be exactly the same as you were before the death.
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For each of us - - rich or poor,
young or old - - there are times in our lives when we must
face and deal with personal losses and the pain and sorrow
they cause. Examples that come easily to mind are the death of
a parent, spouse, child, or other close family member or
friend. Many other events and transitions also bring with them
sadness and a need to grieve:
Being told you have a
serious, possibly terminal illness.
- Having to give up interests
and activities that have been a major part of your life.
- Seeing serious decline in
mental or physical health of someone you love.
- Retiring from a work career or
voluntary activity that has helped shape who you are and
what you stand for.
- Losing a significant part of
your independence and mobility; even giving up driving a car
can be a significant loss for many people.
- Moving out of your home.
- Saying goodbye to a favorite
pet.
Losses such as these
are simply part of living. Like their counterparts among the
joyful occasions in our lifetime - - the birth of a child or
grandchild, a celebration of marriage, an enduring friendship
- - they are part of what it means to share in the human
experience. And the emotions they create in us are part of
living, as well. | |
Here are
some tips that may help you and the rest of the family recover
from the death of your parents.
1. Resist the
temptation to dismiss their death as "timely" or
"inevitable". While this is one way to rationalize the loss,
it doesn't touch your emotions. You have experienced a
significant loss and you need to take time to grieve. The
majority of people whose parents die are employed full time. A
three-day bereavement leave isn't enough time to deal with
this loss. Be aware of the need to adjust your personal
schedule to take time to grieve.
2. Work at
keeping the lines of communication open between you and your
siblings. They understand more than anyone what your loss
entails. Remember each member of the family has a personal
loss and each will mourn the death of your parent for
different reasons and in different ways.
3. Find one or
two close friends with whom you can talk. People often say,
"My friends don't want to hear about this!" All your friends
won't, but ask one or two for permission to use them as
sounding boards. There are also professionals you may call on:
your doctor, your clergy, a counselor or your funeral
director.
4. Do something
to memorialize your parent. This could be a donation to a
favorite charity. It could be a memorial in your family
church. If possible you may want to create a permanent
memorial at his or her college or university. Perhaps you
would like to plant a tree in memory of your
parent.
5. Draw on the
resources of your faith to sustain you. How does your faith or
spirituality address the issue of dying? How does it help you
make sense of life? Does it help you answer your
questions?
6. Although your
parent is physically dead, he or she will continue to live
through you. The values your parent gave you will affect you -
- for better, or worse - - for the rest of your life. Take
what is good from them and incorporate it more fully into your
life and be thankful for the good you
received.
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Caring for a Surviving
Child
As in all
situations, honesty is the best way to deal with children. Talk to
the child in a language that they can understand. Remember to listen
to the child and try to understand what the child is saying and just
as importantly, what they are not saying. Children need to feel that
the death is an open subject and that they can express their
thoughts or questions as they arise. Below are just a few ways
adults can help children face the death of someone close to them.
1. The child's first concern may
be "Who is going to take care of me
now?"
A) Maintain
usual routines as much as possible.
B) Show affection,
and assure the child that those who love him or her still do and
that they will take of him or her.
2.
The child will probably have many questions and may need
to ask them again and again.
A) Encourage the
child to ask questions and give honest, simple answers that can be
understood. Repeated questions require patience and continued
expression of caring.
B) Answers should be based on
the needs of the child seems to be expressing, not necessarily on
the exact words used.
3. The child will not
know appropriate behaviour for the situation.
(A) Encourage the
child to talk about their feelings and share with them how you feel.
You are a model for how one expresses feelings. It is helpful to
cry. It is not helpful to be told how one should or should not feel.
(B) Allow the child to express their caring for you.
Loving is giving "and" taking.
4. The
child may fear that they also may die or that they somehow caused
the death.
(A) Reassure the child about the
cause of the death and explain that any thoughts they may have had
about the person who died did "not" cause the death.
(B)
Reassure him or her that this does "not" mean someone
else he or she loves is likely to die soon.
5.
The child may wish to be a part of the family
rituals.
(A) Explain these to them and include
them in deciding how they will participate. Remember that they
should be prepared beforehand, told what to expect, and have a
supporting adult with them. Do not force them to do anything
they don't feel comfortable doing.
6. The
child may show regressive behavior.
(A) A
common reaction to stress is reverting to an earlier stage of
development. (For example, child may begin thumb sucking, or
bed-wetting; or, may need to go back into diapers or have a bottle
for a time). Support the child in this and keep in mind that
these regressions are temporary.
Adults can help prepare a
child deal with future loses of those who are significant by helping
the child handle smaller losses through sharing their feelings when
a pet dies or when death is discussed in a story or on television.
In helping children understand and cope with death, remember
four key concepts: Be Loving, Be Accepting, Be Truthful and Be
Consistent.
EXPLANATIONS THAT MAY NOT HELP
Outlined below are explanations that adults may give to a
child to explain why the person they loved his died. Unfortunately,
simple, but dishonest answers can only serve to increase the fear
and uncertainty that the child is feeling. Children tend to be very
literal - - if an adult says that "Grandpa/Grandma died because they
were old and tired" the child may wonder when they too will be too
old and they certainly get tired - - what is tired enough to die?
1. "Grandpa/Grandma will sleep in peace
forever." This explanation may result in child's fear of
going to bed or to sleep.
2. "It is God's will".
The child will not understand a God who takes a loved one because He
needs that person Himself, or "God took him because he was so
good." The child may decide to be bad so God won't take
him too.
3. "Daddy/Mommy went on a long trip and won't
be back for a long time." The child may wonder why the
person left without saying goodbye. Eventually they will
realize Daddy/Mommy isn't coming back and feel that something they
did caused Daddy/Mommy to leave.
4. "John was sick and
went to the hospital where he died." The child will need an
explanation about "Little" and "Big" sicknesses.
Otherwise, they may be extremely fearful if they or someone they
love has to go to the hospital in the future.
How to
help a child deal with loss
a) As soon as
possible after the death, set time aside to talk to the child.
b) Give the child the facts in a simple manner "be
careful not to go into too much detail. The child will ask
more questions as they come up in their mind.
c) If
you can't answer his/her questions, it's OK to say, "I don't
know how to answer that, but perhaps we can find someone to help
us".
d) Use the correct language - say the words
"dead" and "die". Do not use phrases such as, "He's sleeping..." or
"God took her..." or "He went away..."
e) Ask
questions like, "What are you feeling?" "What have you heard
from your friends?" "What do you think has happened?"
etc.
f) Explain your feelings to your children,
especially if you are crying. Give them permission to cry too. We
are their role models: it is good for children to see our sadness
and to share our feelings with them.
g) Use the given
name of the deceased when speaking of him or her.
h)
Understand the age and level of comprehension of your child
speak to that level.
i) Talk about feelings, such as
angry, sad feeling responsible, scared, tearful, depressed, wishing
to die too, etc.
j) Read a book on death to your
child. (Please see your local lending resource library)
k)
Read a book on childhood grief so you have a better
understanding of what they may be experiencing.
l)
Talk about the visitation period and funeral. Explain what
happens there and find out if your child wants to attend with the
rest of your family.
m) Think about ways that a child
can say goodbye to the deceased, such as writing a letter, poem,
drawing a picture, etc.
n) Talk to your child about
your religious beliefs, if appropriate, and what happens to people
after they die.
o) Invite your child to come back to
you if they have more questions or have heard rumours so that you
can help them receive the correct information.
p) Talk
about memories, good ones and ones that may not be so good.
q) Watch for behaviour changes in your child - if they
are cause for concern, seek professional help.
r)
Watch out for "bad dreams" - are they occurring often? Talk
about the dreams: they are a way to discharge stress.
s)
Friends, family and school mates frequently find solace and
comfort in doing something special in the name of the person who has
died.
t) Sudden death, violent death and the death of
a young person are especially hard to grieve. Disruption of sleep,
appetite, and daily activities may be normal responses to an
abnormal or unusual event.
Where do
children fit in?
Many parents never stop to
think about what they will do with the children when a loved one
dies. Probably most wonder who they will get to baby-sit the
children while they attend the funeral. Excluding children from the
funeral will delay their grieving and hinder their ability to deal
with death and loss later in life. Here are some practical ideas
that have worked well.
1. Give children the
opportunity to draw a picture of a happy memory they have of the
person who has died. This picture can be placed in the casket or
with the urn.
2. Have a child write a letter to the
person who has died. This gives the child the opportunity to say, "I
love you" one more time and to say goodbye. Put the letter in the
casket or with the urn.
3. A child can either pick
flowers from the garden at home or buy flowers and place them either
in or on the casket or by the urn.
4. Older children
can act as honorary pallbearers or can read a selection at the
funeral. They could also act as ushers at the funeral.
5.
You will find it very helpful to spend time explaining to the
children what a funeral is about and what will happen. Taking them
to the funeral home for the visitation or wake is helpful in making
them feel comfortable in those surroundings. The day of the funeral
will be much easier for them if this happens.
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